Yesterday went tits up, to say the least. I felt dizzy and was bordering on fainting so I started to eat. Poppadoms. Binge food. So I stopped and ate some vegetable soup. figured that would be better than binge food, and I can sort of justify keeping that down. sorta. So then I just kept distracted for as long as I possibly cool and lasted a good 5hours when I gave into a portion of chips, a snickers bar and went to the pub whereI had 2x cherry corkys shots and tonic water. Came back and purged - obviously. End weight of that day was 135lb. I did manage to drink almost 2 pints of water.
So today, while sticking to the plan would be ideal, I figure inorder to keep the take aways and binges abay Im gonna have to eat something more substantial later on at night. Figure if I can hold out not eating until 3pm (its 10am now) and have something at 5pm and then if i have to, ill have something at 8pm or 9pm n do some exercises before I go to bed. As long as Im loosing, thats the main point. Kind of getting a bit scary when yesterdays binging gave me a bloodshot eye and more of my hair is falling out.
But dedication keeps us strong, and persistance moves us along. When darkness is pouring at our feet, its thinness our soul truely seeks.
Morning Weigh In - 137lb
Night Weigh In - 133lb
Intake: 1x Green Tea
1x Tumbler of Water
Ok so my stomach has been growling like mad today, took some rennies thought that that might help, but ive been alone most of today so its not being such a big problem really. Saw A today. Was a gd day actually. Well I turned up at 11am, waited 40mins and then receptionist told me that id got the wrong time and my appointment was actually at 1pm. So I came up again, and I talked more than I usually do, and we made a positive coping plan. She said that Ive impoved and that Im better than I was last year, and that she doesnt want me falling into old habbits again (ODin). I even managed to talk about some of my eating disorder. I told her that Im in control, and I tried to convince her that Im in control, but I dont think she believes me. She said all this stuff about this is my ED and thats got control and not me. It kinda saddened me, I dont see why she cant see it from my point of view. So Ive got more determination to prove to her that Ive got control. Im stopping over eating, so these two days are especially for you A, Show you all the control I have. Im not going to over eat again, and Im gonna loose weight and get to my target weight! Ill show you who has control!!
We talked about me being able to have a future, and I agree, and I hope that all my past hasnt corrupted me from being a valued person and someone who is worth being in the clinical sector of psychology. Ive still gotta apply for a transfer to a uni bk in kent, which adds a year onto my course which intern gives me a year in placement so ive got more experience and then i'll apply for a clinical placement after that. While I love it up here and all the people that ive met, well actually two people ive met. The rest I could take or leave, or well wouldnt notice if I dropped off the end of the world!
My studing has been going slowly, but I plan on getting Personality notes completed tomorrow (have 3 out of 6 done), and 3 days left to do NeuroScience and Individual which Im well behind on anyways, but I know I can do it because Im not that thick! well im ok enough to work things through. Ive gotta get some poster paper n reduce notes again and keep ramming it into my head. I want this so, I have to work at it!
So, apart from the dehydration weightloss today has been a ok day :0)
- Mood:
cheerful
Everyday:
2x diet pills
ABC vitamin plus
Cod liver oil
Calcium
Vitamin B
2ltrs of water
Exercise at the gym for an hour+
Weigh-in & note down in morning & evening (feel free to weigh more, but only record morning n evening)
4x A Day Totals: 100 sit ups, 100 push ups, 100 squats, 100 leg raises.
Day 1 - 2
Water fast (2ltrs)
Day 3 - 5
Breakfast - Green Tea
Lunch - 20x Carrot sticks 15cals, 3g fat
Dinner - 1x tineed chopped tomatoes 88cals, 2g fat, 14g carbs.
(2ltrs of water)
Totals: 103cals, 5g fat, 14g carbs.
Day 6 - 7
Breakfast - Green Tea
Lunch - Salad: Lettuce,Cucumber, Cherry Tomatoes, Yellow Pepper, Celery 68cals, 12g carbs,
Dinner - 1x Tinned Chopped Tomatoes 88cals, 2g fat, 14g carbs
(2ltrs of water)
Totals: 156cals, 2g fat, 26g carbs.
- Mood:
tired
[3] total weight loss
[7] lbs left to goal
[x] total cals
[x] total fat
[x] total carbs
[1hr30 1022 cals] exercise
[just under 2ltrs] water
[8x biscuits, two pitta breads, 75g rice, 60g sweet and sour sauce] bad food?
Intake:
2x eggs
[] purge
[] lax
[] diuretics
- Mood:
discontent
Do I break free,
And live through this day.
Take me back when I drove the blade,
Slashed it once,
By my grave.
I drove it deep,
And push it far,
I do not wish upon this star
Do I crumble,
Refuse to fight,
Kill my brains and die tonight.
Or do I fight,
Live through this day,
IHow, I wish I died yesterday
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!
Mary Frye (1932)
Im close to swinging bk to ana, its not that Im choosing to be, its just if i have another day with my head down the fricken toilet Im going to scream, its not pretty and I hate it more than anything. Im dreading the weigh in tomorro. No doubt I would have gained like the pathetic monster that I am. So tomoro I declare reluctantly a new start, even though its mid week and I dont know if i will succeed (OCD) because of that, I will give it a try. I will not be defined and bound by my mental state - I will concor. So tomoro, the new start:
a. eat less than 200 cals
b. 2ltrs of water
c. complete statistics notes
d. post letter
e. exercise
I will be thin, I will not be a pathetic waste of space anymore!
xx
I ate four biscuits and purged, another four and purged. I just couldnt stop myself. Its like automatic behaviour. The biscuits are sitting by my legs right now, i should take them down stairs. But I know that I'll end up doing the same thing again tonight if I dont sort my act out! I feel so alone right now, I have company of a rabbit and its not all that entertaining. I wish I could make friends more easily but without stucture and routine I fail and look like a freak. Things seem so hard right now. I struggle not to curl up in a ball and cry the day away. I feel so fat, feel like Im failing my course, and loosing all my friends and family with each continuing day. I dont think Im cut out emotionally to be a clinical psychologist and been gaining my interest again into criminal psychology. I definatly want to be a Dr and I want to help people, but emotionally right now I believe I would be doing more harm than good. However, I am going to try getting a volunteer placement at a organisation out side of uni to help with caring skills maybe at a nursing home or some where similar. But Id dont want to be classed as another psychology student going for clinical and only doing this kind of experience for that purpose, when yea maybe partically true, but not entirely. I care greatly about people and want to help people who have trouble caring for themselves either physically, medically or emotionally.
So today I have several aimsL
1. No purging
2. 2ltrs of water
3. Find about universities that do a clinical post graduate course & those that do a criminology or similiar course (research)
4. Do four hours of revision at least, well finish Stats and start Personality
5. Go to the gym or do Davina workout
ED Updates:
Cal Max: 400
No: Bread, Dough, Pasta, Rice, Noodles, Pastry, Potatoes, Meat, Chocolate, Sweets, Milk, Ice Cream, Take Aways, excessive carbonated drinks.
Morning: Green Tea or Hot water with Lemon
Lunch: Vegetables or Fruit 150 cals maximum
Dinner: cooked Vegetables, Soup, cooked fish, or meals not including banned food under 250cals
snacks: small vegetables or fruit if necessary, flavoured ice poles, lollipops if desperate, pro plus, diet fizzy drink if necessary, rice cakes.
Exercise: Daily Routine, Dvd x3 week, Gym x3 week. Run x3 week. *at least*
-----
current situation
weight: 140
Goal weights:
1-130
2-120
3-110
4-100
...
height: 5ft 6.4
clothes size [uk]: 10tops, 12bottoms
exercise: inconsistant
intake: rediculous & unhealthy
liquid intake: 500ml max
-----
Update
[1] total weight loss
[9] lbs left to goal
[x] total cals
[x] total fat
[x] total carbs
[] exercise
[just under 2ltrs] water
[8x biscuits] bad food?
Intake:
1x apple
2x spring vegetable soups
8x biscuit
[x2] purge
[] lax
[] diuretics
BIG ACHIEVEMENT: Ive drank 2pints of water today already, Im gonna try and get at least another one in before I go to bed, maybe even 2!
Ive yet to sit down and do some work, but I will get at least some statistics in today. Maybe finish making the notes today. Ive got another 3 modules to complete and study. But, I know I can do this. Just need to get dedicated and focued. So what have I eaten....
Breakfast/lunch - an apple
lunch - spring vegetable soup
snack - 2 carrot sticks & one ryvita
dinner - spring vegetable soup & 4 ryvita
totals: 494cals, 6g fat, 99g carbs...! eek. I wil not panic....I will not panic!! I WILL NOT PANIC!!!! I'll do some exercises, just a few to burn off at least a lil. If I had just cut out the ryvitas it would have knocked the calorie count down significantly. But Im below 2000, I can and will live with this. I will not compensate with anything than exercise, and even then I will not be over exercising. Im in control, not anyone or anything else. Gotta think logically, I will loose weight at this level.
I cant believe A didnt ring me back today, Im glad I didnt just sit around waiting for her to call back. The bad feelings would have rolled into another day, which I know isnt productive. So I brought Gez (my rabbit) a new hutch, bow, bottle, and hutch hugger. He looks so cute right now. I took a picture, although it took me 3 hours to build and I have a big fuck of blister on my thumb which Im not impressed with!! But its worth the lovely look on Gez's face when he was all tucked up nice n warm!
Tomorro is a new day, and i'll make it better than today. If the weather is nice, i'll let Gerry out for a play in the garden. And I need to do some studying. Hopefully A will call tomorro, but I dont know the procedure, whether they return a call the following day. Anyway, Im not ringing her again, the appointment confirmation hasnt come through the post either. Think I maybe getting on her nerves. Its been a yr n a half since Ive been in hospital, came close sat, but think im doing well.
Tomorro foodwise:
breakfast - Apple
Lunch - Banana & 20x carrot sticks
Dinner - Spring Vegetable soup? Again?
Again, I must drink at least 2 pints of water and get as close to 2ltrs as possible
- Mood:
working
One of my housemates is returning today, be glad of the company to be honest. Well thats if she doesnt change her mind. Yea a social isolate is glad of some company. She might actually kick my butt into gear. I shouldnt really use her to do that, but it works. I defiantly have to generate some self motivation....at some point! I think tho, if I actually get some of the things Ive planned to get done today it will prove to be an alright day, possibly a gd day. I know why Im on the computer right now....because its food time! Can I be more obvious? Oh well! As the brain is saying THINNER IS THE WINNER! I will eat all the food, well as much as possible today, and if breakfast is turned into dinner I will try harder tomorro, but at this moment in time breakfast will be breakfast....I hope.
Today will be a sucessful day. :0)
- Mood:
determined
So basically in a desperate attempt to keep the mia at bay I need to sort out my intake. So if I eat a lot its healthy stuff not processed. I think I just kinda got a shock from an advert. Dispatches: whats really in your food. Turns out the food nutritional labels arent the truth....PANIC!!! my life revolves around reading these labels....way to fuck up an eating disordered! So yea, I will not become a victim of the media's bullshit and just eat what I know to be healthy. PURE foods!
Before I open with tomorro's plan I need to explain some things, I find it extremely difficult to drink any liquids. My daily task is to drink 2ltrs of fresh water a day *ignores impurities in the water* however I usually dont get past 500ml or a pint.
I often crave BBQ sauce with bread of some sort, however bread is a banned item on my foods list. I am a huge chocolate fan, and my binges usually include a vegi burger and chips from the local take away, BBQ sauce in some form with biscuits or at least one item of chocolate and some crisps. I dont sit down and eat this all in one sitting, and its always in a controlled form. Hence why Im not a bulimic. My calorie totals rarely go above 1000 and are always less than 2000. However, I am aware I am a heavy girl. Im far away from my ideal, and Im trapped in my unhealthy eating and unhealthy disordered behaviours. So I attempt to free myself....& still loose weight...of course!
So the plan:
Breakfast - One apple & 1x mug of green tea
Morning snack - 20x Carrot sticks & glass of water
Lunch - 6x Cherry tomatoes & 6x slices of cucumber & glass of water
Afternoon snack - A banana & glass of water
Dinner - 1x Can of chopped tomatoes & glass of water
In between all snacks n meals I will drink another glass of water. This is going to be so hard, but it needs to be done.
So today is my first post to my journal. Having just arrived back from staying at my mums and today is my first full day im some what on edge. I didnt get the time here off to a very good start. I was back for a grand total 4hours and took an overdose. Usual substances. And today I messed up my eating. Did a proper weigh in this morning. I ended up gaining but thats not suprising being christmas holidays. Im currently 139lb, this makes me 22.1 BMI. Today started well foodwise. I ate 20 carrot sticks for lunch, then I had 400g of tinned tomatoes, then it went pear shapped. I the insisted on eating 8 ryvita crackers, followed by some instant mash with water n some BBQ sauce, and then the chocolate digestive biscuits came out. Yea so, today hasnt exactly been a good time. However I havent purged, want to but i know that I shouldnt not after overdosing yesterday.
So with it being monday tomorro, I plan on making a new start. Im ringing my CPN tomorro, tell her that Im struggling more than I thought I was. I dont want her to make arrangements to see me before what is already arranged, but I just dont want to be so alone as I am right now. Im working with her soon to help stop purging n lax n diuretics. However, Im not relying on it too much, because in reality of it all I need to get my intake under control before I stop using all my methods. I know A(CPN) isnt going to be impressed with me, because Im going round and round in circles in my behaviour, and to tell you the truth I dont want to be but I rely on these things so much when life just seems so unbareable. Not that I can remember the last time things were bareable.
I dont remember when things with eating got so far from normal. There is times however that I can manage to eat normally, however this only when Im with friends or family. Although at times Im eating normally, my thoughts arent matching. I love spending time at my mums house, and with my friends and family I grew up with. The idea of eating the vast quantites and not having control over the food or how it is cooked sends me into a frenzy. So the visits are usually short and sweet, or I feel the emotional termoil when I return back to univerity, like yesterday. However, I am determined to get this under control. All this abuse is seriously damaging my body. Dont get me wrong, my eating disorder isnt serious. Im far from being underweight, and I have reduced my binges dramatically, and with the help of staying at my mums recently I havent used laxatives, diuretics for 3weeks. Ive also cut down on my purging, I purged a total of 3 or 4 times being there. I dont think it was more. Almost dying of shame when my mums partner kept opening up the drainage pipe of the sink to fix the leak, me thinking I was going to get caught!
Ive just looked up, and my first post is all about my eating disorder?!!? Kinda sad! Anyway, I plan to loose all my weight through the healthiest way possible! xxx
- Mood:
numb
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